濠叔隨筆

※對即將到來的結婚周年紀念日，太太想要輛跑車，於是做了一些暗示，她說：
「我希望能有件閃亮發光，而且只要幾秒鐘就能從零到一百的東西。」
所以，我送給她一個磅秤。
於是爭吵就開始了...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started... 

※昨晚回家，太太要我帶她去個賣昂貴東西的地方，所以，我就帶她去了加油站。
於是爭吵就開始了...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

※退休之後，我去勞保局申請退休給付，櫃台後面的女人要看我身分證核對年齡，這時我發現忘了帶皮夾，於是和那女人說：
「非常抱歉，我要回家去拿，等下再來。」
那女人說：「解開你襯衫釦子。」
於是我解開釦子露出銀白微捲的胸毛，她說：
「這銀白色的胸毛已足夠證明你已達到請領退休的標準了。」

回到家很搞笑的向妻子講述事情的經過，她卻冷冷的說：
「你應該把褲子也一併脫下來，這樣還可以一起得到殘障給付！」
於是爭吵就開始了...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability benefits, too.
And then the fight started...

※帶太太參加高中同學會，我一直注視著那位獨自坐在旁邊餐桌，喝的醉醺醺晃著酒杯的女士。
我太太問：「你認得她嗎？」
「認得」我嘆口氣答，
「她是我從前的女友，我知道很多年前我和她分手後她就一直酗酒，我也聽說從我和她分手後她就沒有酒醒過。」
「了不起！」我太太說：
「我還沒聽說過有人能慶祝那麼久的耶！」
於是爭吵就開始了...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

※我和太太去餐廳用餐，服務生不知為什麼會先為我點餐，
「請給我來個三分熟的肋眼牛排。」
〈西方人一般女士優先，會先讓女士點餐，或幫女士先點餐〉
服務生問：「你不擔心狂牛啊？」
「歐不會的，她會自己點餐的。」
於是爭吵就開始了...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

※臥室鏡子前，一位沒有穿衣的女士，看著鏡裡的自己很沮喪的對丈夫說：
「好可怕，我怎麼看來又老、又胖、又醜，你能不能說些好聽的讓我舒服一點？」
「妳的眼力還真好！看的還真清楚！」丈夫答道。
於是爭吵就開始了...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

※我要太太去買箱米勒啤酒，結果她買了瓶夜晚她擦的冷霜回來。
我對她說，啤酒絕對比冷霜更能讓她在晚上看來更好看！
於是爭吵就開始了...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

※我太太問我，是不是某件衣服讓她屁股看來特別大。
我對她說：「絕對不會比昨天她穿的那件看來屁股更大的了。」
於是爭吵就開始了...

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

※凌晨三點的時候，屋外一陣吵雜聲驚醒了一對熟睡中的男女；女子從床上跳起來，驚惶失措的對男子大叫：
「糟糕！一定是我丈夫！」
男子也立刻從床上跳起來，嚇的衣服也沒穿就從窗子跳了出去；他摔在地上，跑過矮樹叢，上了他的車子盡快開走。

幾分鐘後，他又回來了，進到臥室對女子大吼：
「我是你的丈夫啊！」
女子也吼回去：
「是啊！那你為什麼要跑走？」
於是爭吵就開始了...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap.That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

※週末清晨一大早，我悄悄穿上衣服，做好我的午餐，栓好狗狗，靜靜的溜進車庫；我將小船掛上卡車，將車開出，但外面卻是傾盆大雨水流成河，像颱風天，於是我再倒回車庫，打開收音機，從新聞知道整天都是這種壞天氣。

我回到房裡，再悄悄的脫掉衣服溜回床上，我擁抱著太太的背，細聲的說：
「外面的天氣還真糟！」

我那可愛的妻子答道：
「你能相信嗎？我那笨老公在這種天氣還出去釣魚呢！」
於是爭吵就開始了...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started . ..

※我問太太：「結婚紀念日妳想去哪裡？」
看到她臉上掛著甜蜜的感激表情，也溫暖了我的心。
「我們到一個我很久都沒去的地方！」她說，
所以我建議道：
「那我們去廚房好了！」
於是爭吵就開始了...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

※我和太太在床上看著電視星光大道節目，我轉向她說：
「想做愛嗎？」
「不想」她回答，我再一次說：
「確定？」
她頭都不回的答：「確定！」
所以我就說：「那我去打個電話給我朋友。」
於是爭吵就開始了...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

※老公跟老婆說：「每次妳都說別人比我行，讓我生氣難道妳就不能說一些我的長處，讓我高興的話嗎？」
老婆想了一下說：「起碼你下面那話兒是你朋友中間最長的！」
於是爭吵就開始了...